New Year’s Eve 2019 Celebration

I looked around at all the couples.
Everyone was there with the people they loved.

Or home with their loved ones,

Embracing one another.

And I?

I was with an old male coworker, James.

And suddenly I felt displaced.

My mind went blank.

“What am I doing here?”
I was standing alone in the dance floor with an explosion of green confetti all over me and this man standing beside me.

Midnight has struck.
Time to go home Cinderella.

I felt endebted to making this night worth the fifty dollar ticket.

I stared blankly above and past him trying to find something or someone that would embody an emotion. But all I could find was the ceiling and that green confetti.

We entered another dance floor and my feet begged to rest.

I excused myself and he followed me out to the fresh patio that quickly turned cold.

Men stared.

I looked out into the empty ice rink.
A tree isolated in the center. And there was no emotion left in me.
All I could think of was how beautiful it looked when people were skating on it.
My mind had only one person in it. Nothing else,
The rest was white noise.
I knew I was working to get this man out of my head but he remained.
4 months had passed since I had ended things completely.
“I can’t give anyone anything. I don’t ever want to have a family, Get married, or have kids.” His decision echoed.

How original. A man that can’t commit.

“Look this isn’t me flirting or anything but I’m gonna do something really quickly.” James interrupted my train of thought.

I was still lost in my head as I felt his fingers in between my breasts.

He held up a piece of green confetti.

Evidence rested in between his thumb and index finger as he held it up in the air.

Not guilty.

His face displayed inoccense as he wished it to be.

“How did it get there?” He continued.

” I don’t know. Maybe when it exploded everywhere on the dance floor.” I said emotionless.

I had no reaction to it.

My mind was fighting another battle.

Reality was left on autopilot.

I had no control over my body. I was so far away.

He held me close for some reason and I found him nearly hugging me and playfully laughing with himself as the side of his forehead touched mine.

I was absent in all of this.

My face was blank.

And I could not understand why any of it was happening except for the fact that I was allowing it.

He let go and I noticed two men just watching the show.

I curiously looked at them.

They looked like adult twins mimicking each other’s movements.

“I’m gonna go home. You’re staying until 2am?” I asked staring at them.

“No I’m coming with you.” He stated

“Ok. ” I replied.

As we made our way out of the club I felt the pain in my feet.

Reality had a way of keeping me present.

Pain was all I felt.

I longed so much to make it to my car as fast as I possibly could.

I wished to be in bed. But I took a wrong turn and lost my sense of direction with James obediently following behind.

I would drop him off at the train station and I could finally make it home and rest in my warm bed.

“Why don’t you just drop me off at my place? You can stay with me.” He crushed my plans.

“That’s just too far for me. You can stay at my place and I’ll take the couch.” I countered.

“No that’s weird.” He argued.

“You can take the couch and I’ll take my bed then.” I negotiated.

“Just stay at my place we can cuddle. I have a big bed. Our bodies won’t even touch if you don’t want them to.” He bravely suggested.

” I don’t feel comfortable doing that. If you can’t drive you can stay at my place and I’ll stay on the couch.” I reaffirmed.

It was a constant firing of ideas. Going back and forth as I tried to reenstate my stance.

15 minutes passed and he lead me to the train station. He gave me a hug goodnight and got into his vehicle.

I was happy to finally be heading home.

I could finally rest.

All in all the night had been a good night.

All that was left to do was rest and recover.

“You didn’t want to cuddle?” He messaged.

“I’m a serious person. I don’t do that kind of thing.” I stated avoiding an ‘lol’.

“How boring.” He branded me.

There is nothing wrong with a woman setting boundaries and remaining firm in her decisions.

I slept soundly in my bed knowing I had no responsibility for anyone else’s feelings but my own.

My feet warm in my blankets still ached but rejoiced at not holding up a celebration filled with strangers I’d never see again.

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